Another week in Metal has gone by, and your favorite Metal site, Dose of Metal, is back to give you an awesome recap of the week. Maybe you missed something, maybe you were too busy having a life and spending time with a real girlfriend to keep up to date. Luckily for you though, there are virgins like myself, that have nothing better to do than spend every waking moment of my life on this site.
So this week, I shall be interviewing Simo. He’s awesome, he’s a place in Finland (According to Wikipedia), and my interview with himself can be found after the jump.
Simo. He doesn't look like this, but I need a picture to fill the void.
Mark: Hey man, thanks for doing the interview. How are you doing this week?
Simo: I’ve been doing pretty good, and I’m finishing the week by being interviewed. I feel like a superstar, which is like the next best thing to being an editor for this site.
M: So Monday began with an awesome Getcha Poll, but what we all want to know is, what does Simo think? Would Metallica be better if Dave Mustaine was still in the band?
S: Let me answer that one with a question: Could they be any worse if he was still there?
M: Dave was apparently fired from Metallica after James kicked his dog. Nearly 30 years later Kirk kicked a baby. Coincidence?
S: I’d usually say that it’s just a coincidence, but then again, dogs and babies are almost the same thing, right? I wonder who’s leaving the band now…
M: William Shatner is apparently making an album, do you think it will be any good?
S: I think it’s going to be brilliant, because anything with Zack Wylde in it is sure to be pure gold. xoxo
M: As Guido pointed out in last week’s Weak Recap, jerking off is awesome. Ever tried the sleeping beauty?
S: Guido speaks words of wisdom. I’ve tried the sleeping beauty on several occasions, but I just couldn’t wait for my hand to get numb. That’s how awesome jerking off is. But, have you ever tried snow-white and the seven dwarfs?
M: This week Guido stole your job and wrote the Tuesday Trivia. How do you feel about that?
S: I feel betrayed. On the other hand, maybe if I hadn’t felt lazy, I could have done one myself. I love you Guido.
M: The Tuesday Trivia was about the curse of Macbeth the Scottish Play. I sometimes feel cursed by my huge penis. Do you have any problems or curses yourself?
S: The curse of not getting enough sleep. I honestly can’t remember when I had a proper, good, 14 hour sleep session. I feel like a zombie most of the time, and I look like one.
M: Despite writing for a Metal site, I introduced an acoustic cover this week. Acoustic music is like sex without a condom on. Agree?
S: You mean pretty smooth, and without funny plastic noise amplified by a big fat box you plug your thing in? Then sure.
M: This week we were amazing enough to score an interview with Bumblefoot of Guns N’ Roses fame. Any thoughts on this?
S: Amazing interview, and it scored some points for Guns N’ Roses in my book. He does seem like a really down-to-earth, well spoken and really funny guy.
M: We also interviewed Tony Campos of Prong and various other bands. How can we possibly get any more awesome?
S: He was a totally cool guy as well. I honestly don’t know what can make us better. Maybe if we score another interview with a chubby bald guy. Hahaaa!!!!!
M: Guido treated us to another dose of his Big Four times four posts. If you had to choose just four Thrash bands to tour together (and be led by one of the Big Four) who would you choose and why?
S: Let me count the thrash bands I listen to: one, two, three, four… Yep, I think I’d keep the original Big Four. Maybe change the order they’d be hitting the stage, though. But I need to keep some mystery about myself, so I’m not gonna share that.
M: In other news, Korn still exist. Thoughts?
S: Prime example of a band that should have quit when it started losing members to Jesus and McDonald’s, and pull of a reunion 5-10 years later, like all the other normal bands. I’ve had a lengthy post on my thoughts on them, so you can read that if you’re really interested.
M: You posted a morning cover this week. When is morning morning? and when is noon noon? and what about afternoons and evenings? It’s all a bit confusing.
S: Morning is morning if you actually wake up before 12 am. If you wake up like I do, it’s morning for you, but it’s afternoon for everyone else. But it always feels like night to me, because I never leave my basement and it’s always dark in here.
M: Whilst we’re at it, did you enjoy the cover you posted?
S: I thought it was okay. I haven’t played it other than that one time, which probably says something about the song. Or my laziness.
M: The other day I felt like a tampon. Period sex is awesome right? Blood and sex are both the most Metal of things, so why wouldn’t I want to combine them?
S: They sure are. By the way, I laughed so hard at that joke. I’m stealing it and using it the next time I pick up fat chicks.
M: This week we also gained a brand new writer called Cosmin. What would be the best way to welcome him to the team? Maybe we could buy some strippers or go to a Paramore concert?
S: Stippers are always awesome. Maybe we should get wasted again and wait for the stripper to arrive in the hotel room. But this time, I’m bringing my own booze, okay? I don’t even remember the stripper ever arriving the last time, and my butt hurt for a week.
M: This week’s Friday Top 10 was great am I right? We counted down the 10 greatest Metal tracks. What did you think of the listing and would you make any changes?
S: I personally feel it should have had more St. Anger. Other than that, it was brilliant.
M: Another question about myself, because I’m awesome. I introduced a great hangover cure, do you have any you could share? Preferably also some that work on fat chicks that are laying in your bed and refusing to leave? Not that I’m having this problem right now or anything..
S: I use the following trick. I always keep a piece of bacon underneath my bed, and I always keep my windows open before I bring fat chicks home. The next morning I wake her up by bringing the bacon next to her nose. When she smells it, she feels the urge for a piece of meat she was deprived of the previous night. Then I throw the bacon out of the window, and she follows. And by that moment I feel so disgusting, I forget about the hangover.
M: Guido thinks Metalheads should cut their hair. Agree?
S: Only the ones that look like they’ve just come out of the closet a Motley Crue concert. I’ve cut my hair a few years back, so it’s only natural for me to assume everyone else should do it as well.
M: And finally, thanks for the interview man, it’s been a pleasure. Any last words for the readers of Dose of Metal?
S: The pleasure was all mine. Thank you for your time, and huge thanks to all of our readers who’ve went through the entire interview and are reading this last line right now, you guys are almost as awesome as we are!
