It’s that time of the week again, folks. The Friday Top 10. And this time it’s educational as shit. I’m gonna go through 10 of the biggest holidays of the year and will tell you a thing or two about how they relate to metal.
So buckle up and get ready to have your face rocked by an epic guide to celebrating holidays… The right way…
Disclaimer: If you’re a Catholic priest who’s easily offended by God jokes, please avoid the article… Oh and also stop touching kids.
However, if you like Jesus jokes coupled with homoerotic innuendos, make the jump…
I gotta be honest, I don’t know much about Jewish holidays… You might want to read MetalSucks for that…
I just know that Hanukkah is the Jewish equivalent of Christmas, only they get eight nights, unlike our pussy ass one-night-only piece of shit holiday. Eight consecutive days of drinking sounds like awesomeness to me. I always thought Christmas needed more time (for beer).
I hope this isn’t disrespectful to all you wonderful Jewish metalheads. If you found the text above offensive, I truly and sincerely want to tell you to get a sense of humor and stop being uptight. Jeez.
Listen, I run a blog, so I’m not gonna pretend I know what it’s like to have a real girlfriend.
But if you’re one of the select few who actually got to see a vagina in real life, I really think you should forget about your Six Feet Under t-shirt for a day and treat your girl with the respect she deserves, because let’s face it, women are delicate flowers who deserve all of our money and attention — Is what I would say if I was a total wimp.
If it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not drunk waiting for your woman to cook you dinner, you have failed as a metalhead. Pussy.
Thanksgiving may be a holiday that’s primarily celebrated in America but worldwide the day is used to thank Satan for his greatest creation: Heavy fucking Metal.
Your typical metalhead celebrates this day by thanking his local brewery and then proceeds to get drunk, thanking Black Sabbath for Heavy Metal, Death for Death Metal and so on and so forth.
At the end of the day, that metalhead thanks fuck that he has a superior taste in music than the majority of the people on earth.
Let’s be honest, this is only here because the name is metal as fuck.
This is a day of shopping at discount prices so you need to save up and then just buy beer. You could get a few metal CDs and DVDs but mainly you should focus on alcohol.
Warning: Dose Of Metal does not condone irresponsible drinking… Unless it’s the irresponsible drinking of beer and whiskey, which Dose Of Metal condones fully.
I don’t know what this holiday is about and neither do you. It just sounds awesome and it’s a holiday dedicated to drinking, so this goes hand in hand with my philosophy of life.
But gee, if this is about drinking and it’s only at 6, what else is next, Alex? Good question, retard. Keep reading to find out.
By the way, this got a mention because I was born on May 5 (Cinco de Mayo means 5th of May, in case you’re illiterate), so imagine that. My metalhead credentials just done went through the roof, yo!
I don’t really like Christmas because it’s a very religious holiday, and I have a big problem with that. However, it is probably the most important holiday of the year and the world just spends a shitload amount of money on presents, food and alcohol. Then they eat, drink, shit until they can barely stand up, which is why this is so high up.
I may not agree with its origins but it’s the one time of the year I know I’m not the only one lying in a ditch somewhere, being drunk and naked. I mean, that happens to me many times a year but that’s the one time I know I’m not the only one.
You also get a present the morning after, and that kind of makes up for the hangover and the hairy fat chick you see next to you.
Is this even a holiday? Jeez, do some research before you write, dumbass… I don’t know if this goes hand in hand with Christmas or if it’s a separate holiday but let’s face it. It’s the sequel to the awesome night of drinking I wrote above.
I kinda dislike the idea that I have to party on an exact day, and the pressure of finding a good spot that evening, but other than that, this is another excuse for my alcoholism to seem normal for a day so it’s the fourth best metal holiday ever. EVER! But here comes number three…
Umm, Easter is pretty lame so it’s your job to drink your ass off and make it amazing.
But why is it so high up then? Beause it celebrates Jesus’ death, and that’s an ideology I can embrace. It’s got a lot of metal to it so even though the old people celebrating it do it in a tame and pathetic way, it’s your job as a resident alcoholic to take it up a notch and give Jesus a funeral he won’t soon forget.
Listening to Pantera is a must during this holiday.
This is the second best metal holiday. Need I say why? This is the one time of the year you won’t get beaten up for the way you look.
Halloween is basically designed for metalheads so how can this be lower than 2? It can’t be. It’s awesome.
I may be a bit too old for trick-or-treating but I am just at the right age for drinking-or-puking, and that’s really what holidays are all about…
But geez, all the good holidays have been mentioned… What can there be at number 1? Drum roll please…
That’s right, fuckers. The day we were launched is so historic that every metalhead needs to celebrate it. The metal blogs sucked before we made an appearance. Now we just kick ass.
If you’re wondering when our birthday (and the best holiday ever) is, it’s on the 10th of September. That’s right… Now you know when to party.
And what’s amazing about this holiday is that you don’t have to spend any money or go to church or get a tree or anything. All you need to do is have a computer, an internet connection and plenty of beer. Reading this site while drinking fine lager is probably the best activity ever, so enjoy being a part of this great achievement.
