Another week behind us, another week of total metal kickassery. “But hey Simo, this week hasn’t been that special really…” – I hear some of you saying, and to clarify, when I say kickassery, I mean the way we’ve covered everything. Hell, we could comment on funerals or people sleeping and make it sound interesting as hell.
Kids, prepare your tissues and toilet paper, Mark and I are taking a trip down the memory lane, and it’s going to be sexy.
Sexiness. It's subjective.
Simo: Hey Mark, how are you? Excited for another interview?
Mark: You again? Jesus Christ… Erm, I mean yes, I’m very excited.
Simo: Let’s start this off by the biggest impression of the week, and go back to something I’ve mentioned in the intro, we can make funerals sound interesting. What did you think of Bin Laden’s funeral? Do you think he’s in heaven with his virgins, or in hell getting devirginized? Or are you among the conspiracy groups and aren’t buying any of this?
Mark: He’s probably currently engaged in a threesome with Satan and Saddam Hussein.
Simo: Here’s a conspiracy theory: James Hetfield wrote over 700 riffs over the past few weeks. Your thoughts?
Mark: My thoughts? He probably wrote one riff, and played it 700 times.
Simo: Trivium probably jizzed in their pants when they heard these news, right? What fad to you see them jumping on next? I think they’d be pretty good at retro nu metal.
Mark: I’m not sure. What’s the current fad? Djent? Yeah they’ll join the djentlemen’s club.
Simo: Guido did an unusual thing last week, and reviewed a comic. Are comics metal or geeky? Can metal be geeky? And if you had a superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it?
Mark: To be honest, I’m not big on comics… I don’t read them, but I used to love Marvel comics and shit when I was younger. X Men was the best for sure. Oh and Metal can definitely be geeky. I mean how many classic Metal anthems are about battles, orks and shit? If I could have any super power, it would be the power to make all women that aren’t ugly want to sleep with me. I already have that power though, it’s called my amazing good looks and giant penis.
Simo: I loved your review of Slipknot’s last album you did for Blast from the past, but hey, great minds think alike. How awesome would All Hope Is Gone be if it was made of only the title track?
Mark: Thanks man. AHIG sucks so much dick, I just had to have my opinion heard. All Hope is Gone was the first song they released, and I remember thinking how awesome it sounded. That actually had me really anticipating the album’s release. But then they released Psychosocial and my hopes dropped…
Simo: That album was not the only one you’ve reviewed. You also did Esoteric, and Guido was busy as well, reviewing Die and a split compilation. I always thought reviewing stuff can be either pleasure or pain. Sort of like my sex life. Do great minds think alike?
Mark: Do great minds think alike? Yes. Yes they do. We both have great minds, and we both think alike, so it must be true. Reviewing stuff really can be a pain though. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy, or vocabulary to really do it justice. For example, if I’m tired and I’m reviewing something that sucks balls, I sometimes just want to say “it sucks balls” and be done with it. Same could be said for stuff that is “awesome” if I’m struggling to think what to write. When it comes to sex though, I’m happy with anything I can get. Sometimes it’s painful, especially if the person’s face is right in my view, but beggars can’t be choosers
Simo: Jack Osbourne is still alive, and he opens his mouth every now and then to remind us of it. I’d like to forget it fast, give me a recipe for getting completely wasted under 5 minutes.
Mark: I tend to just drink gasoline. That works pretty well.
Jack Osbourne gets a facial
Simo: We won’t get a new Rage Against The Machine album anytime soon. Is this a good or a bad thing?
Mark: That’s a good thing. Every RATM song sounds the same, and the new one wouldn’t be any different. The only difference would be that this is 2011, Rap Metal is dead, and it should stay that way,
Simo: Jeremy Von Epp is almost as funny as his goatee. What did you think of the interview?
Mark: I thought it was great. A real interesting read, especially the bit about bongs and hustler magazines. That sort of stuff interests me. Blackgates are also pretty damn good though.
Simo: Let’s take a look back while taking a look back. What did you think of Guido’s list of albums from 1994?
Mark: Man, I had a great time reading that. It’s actually pretty funny, but not long ago I was thinking to myself how awesome 1994 was for music. Apart from Marilyn Manson, I agreed with him on every one of those albums.
Simo: Guido also made a list of melodic songs by not so melodic bands. Does that go the other way around? Give me a brutal song by Metallica a softer band.
Mark: Sure, just check out this Miley Cyrus song lulz. It must have been that time of the month for her to go that brutal.
Simo: Your Top 10 covered bands selling out. Not much of a surprise when it comes to first spot, but what is your favorite sellout Metallica period?
Mark: It’s hard to say, it seems every part of Metallica’s career has at least a few hardcore fans telling them they’re sellouts. One is probably my favorite Metallica song, and I’ve heard people call them sellouts for that song, or rather the video. I also think The Black album gets too much flack. I can say hand on heart though, I think Load, Reload and St Anger are all pretty shitty. Nah, but seriously, my favorite sellout period was the time they covered a certain old Irish Folk song, which Thin Lizzy helped make popular, and decided “hey what this song really needs is some lesbians.”
Simo: We’ve already commented on the new/old/farewell/not-so-farewell Judas Priest. Could you tell the difference between K.K. and the new guy from distance? Are they gonna get away with this?
Mark: Yeah, the new guys stands out like a sore thumb. I’m sure he’ll do a great job, fantastic even, but I can understand why people are disappointed. I know I am. Call me cynical, but the whole thing reeks of a cash in. “OMG FINAL FAREWELL JUDAS PRIEST TOUR… lol j/k we’re actually still going to play shows and release albums, this is just going to be our last big world tour. Maybe. Oh and our guitarist just left. But yeah more albums and shows to come.” – Ok Judas Priest, what ever you say.
Simo: Well, that’s it, last question, was this any fun for you? I have my fingers crossed hoping you won’t say what every girl says to me. Also, fingers crossed no one fell asleep (and by this I’ve gone full circle from the intro word. Lame kickass journalism at action, kids).
Mark: ZZZZZZZZZZZ … Huh? What? Who? Sorry… Erm yes, was brilliant. Thank you Simo for making my weekend that little bit more awesome. Now can I go and get drunk and sleep with some strippers already?
