You guys remember Simo, right? He took a two-month break from the interwebz, to see if this ‘real life’ thing is as good as people say it is. Once he realized talking to a girl in real life is not as easy as on Facebook, he came back. With a vengeance.
Okay, so maybe not with a vengeance, but he came back. And now I get to interview him, which is not an honor and a privilege.
We’ll talk about a lot of things, a lot of boring things, so I’m not gonna lie to you… It will be a pretty boring article, so don’t bother reading this further. It will only make you waste a lot of valuable time.
But if you’ve got nothing better to do, make the jump and read what two people who rarely get laid (and when they do, it ends in tears) have to say about this past week’s articles.
Enjoy! (you won’t, trust me, but I like being optimistic)
The glasses Simo uses to research Tuesday Trivia. Yes, he can get Sirius Radio with those goggles.
Alex: Hi Simo. Welcome back!
Simo: Thanks! Missed you guys <3
Alex: Is it good to be back, or is your activity on DoM boring you to death?
Simo: It’s awesome to be back, and I plan on being even more back in the upcoming weeks. That doesn’t make much sense, so yeah, already at home.
Alex: Alright alright, we really don’t care, let’s get to this week’s articles… Nikki Sixx joined the “OMG WINEHOUSE WAS TEH BOMB!!” bandwagon. Aren’t you tired of the hypocrites who start praising an artist after his/her death? Where were they when she was alive?
Simo: Haha, yeah. As you pointed out, Nikki’s response is kinda retarded on its own. But it truly is extremely irritating how everyone suddenly tries to grab attention. All I know about her is that she didn’t want to go to rehab no, no, no, and I naturally can’t feel much sympathy. Then again, wasn’t it Nikki who OD’d from heroin a bunch of times? Maybe it makes sense in his mind.
Alex: Exodus guitarist Gary Holt is way too humble for a thrash metal musician. Shouldn’t he be badmouthing The Big Four or something?
Simo: He seems like an awesome guy, and awesome guys shouldn’t badmouth people who’ve had more success then them, so kudos to him. Unless if it’s us, of course. We’re awesome in a very special way.
Alex: Shouldn’t WE be badmouthing The Big Four or something?
Simo: I don’t see them as our competition, but yeah, fuck them Big Four. Metal sucking blabbermouths.
Alex: Jag Panzer – done. Linkin Park – going strong. Fair?
Simo: Nothing ever is. At least Disturbed are calling it quits “going on a hiatus.”
Alex: I didn’t know Max Cavalera had a son, mainly because I find it hard to believe any girl would actually have sex with him. Do you think he got the Cavalera Conspiracy gig because he knew someone in the band?
Simo: Is it his real son or one of his twenty step children? I know he featured them a lot on his albums. Maybe that’s the way his wife blackmails him into having sex. Take a look at the guy, and I can see why, he always looks like he’s been on a tour bus for seven days and hasn’t had the time to have a shower in the meantime. Maybe he’s just keeping it real.
Alex: Would you bully that kid if he was in your school?
Simo: No, I’m too big of a dork myself to do any real life bullying. I’d make fun of him on a blog, or something. Like, say his dad has poor hygiene.
Alex: So, your first article after the hiatus. How did it feel writing for DoM again, and did the fact that you wrote about Corey, of all people, make you feel worse?
Simo: It felt okay. I needed a safety net, so I naturally chose Corey. Good thing about ginger jokes, they’re just like Slipknot members — you can never run out of them.
Alex: I really laughed when I read the title of your second article. Broken English always amuses me (that’s why Mark always makes me laugh). Are you disappoint?
Simo: Yeah, my Eastern European genes feel right at home when it comes to meme grammar. As for the article, not really, nothing about Mr. Burzum can really surprise me anymore.
Alex: You went back to your Tuesday Trivia right away. Do you think people missed the little feature and what did you think of my Tuesday Trivia from last week?
Simo: Your Tuesday Trivia was really awesome, makes me feel kinda bad about mine, but as I said, I’m still readjusting. Learning how to use the keyboard agian ‘n sith.
Alex: Staind + solos = MAJOR LULZ. At least they admit it, right?
Simo: Oh god yes. Not just that, even Staind – solos is horrible.
Alex: Guido reviewed Evile’s album in advance. How can you listen to an album before it gets released? Is Guido a witch? I know he likes to ride brooms, if you know what I mean, but can he fly with the, too?
Simo: Haha. I’ll let Guido answer the broom question. As for the album, what can I say, we’re getting more awesome every day.
Alex: Mark wrote a Machine Head Top 10, Chris was disappoint (see his comment). Should we kill them both, simply for disagreeing in public and hurting the perceived integrity of the site? Traitors.
Simo: No, there’s nothing more metal than arguing about bands.
Alex: Do you even like Machine Head? They’re nu-metal, right?
Simo: Didn’t they reintroduce solos to their sound a few years back? Let’s call it staind-metal. Double joke, get it? Because they have a stain on their discography…
Alex: Speaking of weird bands, what the fuck is up with this video? It gave me eye cancer.
Simo: Why you no like it? I thought it was funny they chose to make a video like that, plus from their costumes you can clearly see they’re having fun. Then again, they might be trying really hard to appeal to the target group of retro gaming hipsters.
Alex: Would you like a porno in 8bit?
Simo: Fuck 8-bit, TELETEXT porn FTW!
Alex: Okay, so yesterday I simply started writing a rant, and ended up with this boring piece of shit. Did you even read it, or was it all a bit “TL;DR” to you?
Simo: I’ve read it, it was a very fine article. Made me reminisce about the good times. We’re now just old and not funny… Kidding aside, yes, I agreed with a lot of things you brought up in that post. By the way, you are officially metal, because the way I see it, the main point always was to think for yourself (and of course enjoy at least some of the music). Sort of the same way Tosin Abasi gets away with wearing clothes from 1920 while killing it on the guitar. I am glad we have people who are metal head to toe on the website, though. Helps our mad street cred.
Alex: And finally, Guido had to buy the album to write this review, cause the band wouldn’t give it to him. Why do you think bands would turn down promotion like that?
Simo: Tsk tsk tsk. Props to Guido for staying pro like he always is. Unless the band gives me something, I refuse to review their album. That’s why I have like one review :'( On a serious note, I did like it. Guido achieves something with his reviews, and that is that I usually actually want to check the band out. I do have a short attention span, and there is a lot of porn on the interwebz, so I rarely do it, but props to him either way.
Alex: Have you ever been turned down by a band? What about by a chick?
Simo: If only I had a dollar for every time that happened… I’d have more moolah than the entire US Treasury. Lulz, who am I kidding, come Tuesday we’ll all have more money than them.
Alex: Anything else to add, before we wrap this boring shitfest?
Simo: I just want to use this opportunity to thank my parents, my co-workers, and my fans, for being with me in these tough times… Hahaha. No, not really. Let’s end this so I can go back to porn writing awesome articles for this site!
Alex: Alright, see you around, fool! Don’t ever leave DoM again. Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simo: Sir, yes sir!
