Facial hair… An useful tool (most) guys have to change their look a bit. Sometimes it improves it, other times it just makes it worse. There’s a fine line between having a good beard and looking ridiculous, and in metal, that line is usually overstepped. Big time. So this is what this Top 10 is about… Metal Beards.
Read the top, after the jump.
Lars Ulrich.
I don’t know if you remember, but around 2003 Lars looked incredibly similar to Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. While that might be an insult to Fred, as we’re sure he’s a better drummer than Lars is, I never understood why they looked so similar the same year Metallica tried to sound nu-metal and Limp Bizkit performed Sanitarium on MTV.
Either way, this is probably the less ridiculous facial hair of this top, but it had to make #10 just because it was out of nowhere and unoriginal.
Zakk Wylde.
Zakk doesn’t look like a guy who showers. Or who does any washing, whatsoever. So I don’t know if his beard is a fashion statement or the result of not having a razor. Or running water.
What I do know is that from a distance, he looks like the Harry from ‘Harry and the Hendersons‘ and for the longest time I thought Black Label Society was a ‘Cousin It’ tribute band. A solid number #9 if you ask me.
Dimebag Darrell.
While I feel bad picking on the late Dimebag, nothing screams more “the opposite of metal” than a pink beard. What was Dime thinking? How can you write a song called “Slaughtered” and perform it with a pink beard? That’s like writing a book about being manly and making a public reading in a skirt with an oversized lollipop. It just doesn’t fit.
James Hetfield.
Papa Het loves to play around with his look. One day he’s sporting a faux hawk, the next day he looks like a giraffe licked his scalp. But in 2007 he grew his goatee quite long, to the point of a rumor going around that he was mistaken for a terrorist in an airport and was taken into custody.
While we don’t believe the terrorist rumor, we wouldn’t put it past the authorities to lock James up for a few years because of ‘St. Anger.’ Anyway, we’re glad he got rid of that ridiculous goatee. It looks like a scaled down model of a waterfall. It didn’t even fit in the picture.
Adam Dutkiewicz.
Man oh man, talk about bad sideburns. Elvis must be turning in his grave. Adam looks like a cross between Flea and Ross The Intern. His sideburns are out of this world, I’m sure he’s able to catch Sirius Radio with those things. Ugh.
Vinnie Paul.
Vinnie looks like he had a full beard and decided to shave it off with a rake. And then he stopped cause he had to finish his third bottle of Jack Daniel’s.
I understand he’s from Texas so we’re bound to see some ridiculous sideburns, but what in the hell is that? Did he pass out on the lawn while someone was mowing it, thus getting his face caught up in the lawnmower? And who would not notice that guy if he was passed out on the lawn, anyway? The Eiffel Tower is less conspicuous than Vinnie, if you know what I mean. Either way, it looks bad.
Shavo Odadjian.
Shavo looks like he raped Lara Croft, then cut her ponytail and stuck it to his chin as a trophy. I don’t know what that is. Is he dating a midget and is that a climbing rope for her to climb so she can kiss him? Or are they anal beads? Or both?
ZZ Top.
You probably expected them to be in this top, and rightly so, even if they’re not metal, they’re a band more famous for their beards than for their actual music.
I just don’t get how they can say “every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man” with those awful, bum-like beards? No matter how “sharp” you dress, you’re gonna chase women away with 2 ft long beards, unless they like to feel like an army of 1000 ants is swarming their vaginas while you go down on them. Then you might have a shot. But there’s only one Courtney Love, so who’s gonna get the other one laid?
Scott Ian.
Whenever I look at Scott, I don’t know if his goatee is actual hair, or if he lost a bet one day and had to tape a racoon to his chin for the rest of his life. It freaks me out, nonetheless. Whenever I see footage of him I’m waiting for the Animal Planet logo to pop up and for a narrator with an Australian accent to describe how we’re observing a possum in its natural habitat.
There’s a “Steve Irwin goes to an Anthrax concert” joke in there somewhere.
Kerry King.
Kerry has a weirdly shaped goatee. Or is that a proper beard? It’s pretty hard to put a label on it but from certain angles, it looks like he’s eating Pocahontas.
Of course, that is a stupid an immature assumption, as Kerry would never eat anything that isn’t deep fried and between two buns.
So there you have it… Top 10 Metal beards. We’ll try to do a Top 10 thing every Friday, so make sure you clear all your schedule. The hell with drinking and partying with your friends. Stay home, read Dose of Metal, it’s what all the cool kids are doing.
