So we taught you how to drink like a metalhead and we’re sure you put that to good use this Christmas. We also hope you’ll put that knowledge to good use this New Year’s Eve. However, now it’s time to teach you how to deal with the dreaded morning of January 1st… Like a metalhead.
They say a hangover is God’s way of telling you you shouldn’t drink… We say… A hangover cure is our way of giving the middle finger back to God. Make the jump and read 10 ways to do that…
#10 – Don’t drink at all
You know the best way to cure a hangover? Don’t drink at all! That’s what I said to the jocks in my high school before prom and it’s what made them beat the shit out of me and shove a flag pole up my ass. That still doesn’t make it any less true… If you want a healthy, headache-free January 1st just don’t drink anything the night before.
Haha, just kidding… What is this, Dose Of Disney? Of course you need to drink. Psyche!
#9 – Take the hangover like a fucking man
A pro alcoholic knows that hangovers are just a part of being awesome so you need to take them like a fucking man and not bitch about them. They’ll pass in a day or two, hey, if there’s something worse than a hangover, it’s the fat hairy bitch you woke up next to who looked like Megan Fox the night before. You can’t take an aspirin for that furry tub of lard so you got bigger problems than a headache, my son.
#8 – Cure For The Itch
What you could do is listen to Linkin Park. The pain of your ears will outweigh any headache or stomachache you may have so it’s a good way of tricking your brain into thinking you got bigger problems than a hangover: An asian kid who thinks he’s black and a few kids who think they can play guitar.
#7 – Nine Inch Ears
Alternatively, you could listen to NIN. Same effect, just with out of tune singing. Say what you will about Linkin Park, but at least Chester can sing. So for all of you singers out there who cringe at the sound of out of tune, electronically-aided vocals, just pop in a NIN cd and numb your way into a happy January 1st.
#6 – Eat like a motherfucker
Getting a bit more serious now, the one thing you can do is to just eat. Avoid fat foods and grill yourself something or make yourself a sandwich. I wish I was an expert on protein and other crap but the first thing I do after waking up from a ‘rough night’ is to eat. Sometimes I puke it all out so I can make room for more food. Food is your friend.
#5 – O.J. and vitamins
Orange juice is good for you if you spent your night trying to outdrink Philip Anselmo, so drink a buttload of that shit. Water also helps as alcohol dehydrates you (fuck you, I watch a lot of Discovery channel).
#4 – Exercise (with yourself)
While the last thing you want to do while you feel like shit is to do some exercise, apparently it also helps. Health sites might advise a jog or aerobics, I think a trip to YouPorn and a box of Kleenex would suffice. A good trick you can do is pretend you’re on a spaceship. And the only way the spaceship can take off is if you jerk off fast enough. So do that while pretending a hot chick is watching you doing it and encouraging you. For a fun little effect, do the whole countdown thing as you’re approaching ‘the moment.’ Fuck it I’m gonna do this right after I finish the article.
#3 – Cold shower
Yep. While the last ‘cure’ made your dick bigger, this one will make it ridiculously small. Take a cold shower. It always helps. I should point out that a cold shower doesn’t necessarily mean ice cold, just ‘not warm.’ Don’t catch a pneumonia now, that’s worse than a hangover. You can alternate between hot and cold like in that stupid song.
Extra points if the fat chick you scored the night before gives you a golden shower.
#2 – All of the above
I should point out by now that these cures are not mutually exclusive. Try a mixture of them. Wake up, pop in some Linkin Krap or NIN in your iPod, eat a good breakfast, drink a lot of water and orange juice, pop in an aspirin and go out for a jog then come back and have a wank in a cold shower. I don’t know, get creative. If you’re as cool as me, this hangover business happens at least thrice a week so you have time to practice.
Or you can just do the ultimate one:
#1 – Fight Fire with Fire
You know what Metallica said before selling out, right? It’s true… To cure a big hangover is to just keep drinking. That’s how I do it. That’s how Charlie Sheen does it. And that’s how a true alcoholic metalhead does it, too. So stop whining, throw your pills away (well, not your Vicodin, just your aspirins) and just keep on sucking on that Jack Daniel’s bottle like it’s Brad Pitt’s cock and you’re Elton John.
Nothing says “I’m awesome” like waking up hungover and still doing shots.
Disclaimer: This is a humor site and this article is a (well written) joke. We can’t be held responsible for anyone taking it seriously, much less your stupid mom.
