Did you know that Daft Punk are making a heavy metal album?
Haha, just kidding. Imagine… But did you know that metal can indeed make you faster (if you’re a termite), slower (if you’re a mouse) and amazing (if you are me). Make the jump and see why.
First theory: Heavy metal music makes termites eat wood faster
Take this with a grain of salt, because the only “source” I was able to find for the claim are responses on sites like Answers.com. Various people claim this one is true, and they attribute the speed increase in termites’ wood devouring to the sound of metal and hard rock (loud and aggressive) being similar to the sound of thunder, thus making them work faster to protect themselves from rain. Makes sense, right?
Termites be thunderstruck
Second theory: Heavy metal and hard rock music make mice move slower
Now this one I’d easily call bullshit on, , but I must stay objective. Or at least try to. Anyway, a while back, a teenage high school student by the name of David Merril, conducted an experiment with 72 mice. He divided them in three groups, played classical music to the first, heavy metal to the second, and no music to the third group. He then observed the mice move through a maze before he played any music to them, and after he played music to them. The classical mice cut the time they need to make their way out of the maze by 8 minutes, the no music mice cut their time by 5 minutes over time and after repeating the task, but the heavy metal mice showed increase in the time they needed to make their way out by 20 minutes average.
What’s even more “interesting” is that, after trying to make the mice from different groups live together a year prior to this experiment, the metal mice started killing each other! Shocking! Then you’ll find no surprise in the fact that this news made it quickly to sites like jesus-is-saviour.com where they used it as the be all end all evidence that metal is evil and makes your kids go insane.
The problem I have with this article is that I’ve witnessed the same experiment in my high school, and the results were opposite, ie. the metal mice moved faster than the classical ones. The thing is that little project didn’t end up on some website and no Jesus freaks picked it up, so you’ll have to take my word for it.
And if you really want me to debate it (you don’t, but I will anyway), the thing with mice is that the conditions they live in can alter their behaviour to a large degree (and imagine a high school student treating 72 mice… Well, better don’t, I just had a South Park flashback). Mice are nocturnal animals, and they aren’t really used to living in a shoe box. Combine that with proved claims that mice show bizarre and repetative behaviour when treated in such conditions, you might get a clue as to why adding loud music in the mix may result in violence. So, parents, unless you keep your kids awake at night, and make them live in a shoe box and move through a maze, I can guarantee that listening to metal will not result in them killing each other.
And the question no one dared to ask, which music and band did the mice listen to? Was it some 90s nu metal? Maybe the mice had taste and decided it’s for the better to end their lives. Who can blame them, really?
Last resort for tortured mice: murder
Third theory: Heavy metal made me amazing
It did, 100% percent true. Want proof? Well, I am writing for this site, am I not? That’s all the proof I need (and all you’re going to get).
See you guys next week, when I’ll explain why heavy metal makes your penis bigger.*
*Disclaimer: Not really, but you can try and let me know if it worked for you. It didn’t work for me :'(
