Author Archives: Alex

A7X: The Movie

Avenged Sevenfold, the guys whose shortened name sounds like a fucking Boeing plane, are gonna be on Cinemax. On those soft core porn movies they show at night, where the girl is screaming but if you look closely, you can see that the guy is actually limp and the bitch is just jumping on nothing and pretending to have an orgasm (very reminiscent of my girlfriend), you ask? No, but that’s what we thought, too. Great minds really do think alike, huh?

BTW, how ’bout that 3D porn that’s on the web? Pretty cool stuff… Only you need those dorky red/blue glasses, which remind me of the 70s. Now, I’m not one to back away from some vintage porn with so much pubic hair, it reminds me of the jungle in Predator 1, but there’s something about seeing a red/bluey bitch sucking a mean dick that’s just off to me.

But where were we… Ah yes… So this crap band is gonna be on Cinemax, but no boobies (unless you count the lead singer’s mantits), so really, why is this even news? Anyways, it’s some series called “Max Tour Stories” or whatever, blah blah blah… You can go here and read more about it, but if you do, you don’t deserve children.

IWROTENEWSONCE

IWRESTLEDABEARONCE HAVEADUMBFUCKINGNAME. They are also GOINGONTOURINJAPAN.

“Words cannot begin to describe our excitement for this tour,“ says  guitarist Steven Bradley while watching anime. “Not only do we get to experience amazing Japanese culture and meet awesome Japanese people, but we get to do it with our Japanese brothers Fact and our Australian buds Closure in Moscow! Sake and sushi time bitches! Stoked!”

DATESAFTERTHEJUMP, bitches! Not stoked!

Mr. Big Mouth

Mr Big, the band with the name equivalent of having a sock in your underwear, are making a new album. And not just any album, but an “impossible” one.

“Mr. Big have entered a studio to begin recording their new album, which according to bassist Billy Sheehan, will feature ‘impossible bass and guitar stuff’ and will be musically similar to the band’s 1991 album Lean Into It”

Boys sure like to hype themselves up, huh? Full article here.

When asked if by ‘impossible’ they mean ‘impossible to hear,’ Mr. Big had no comment.

VH1 Leppard

Def Leppard, the only rock band in the world who can’t say “Throw your hands in the air” without seriously offending their drummer, will put the 1 in VH1 this November.

“Phil Collen will tape a segment for VH1 Classic‘s “That Metal Show” later today in the Los Angeles area. The episode featuring Collen will be broadcast on November 6 as part of the program’s sixth season on VH1 Classic.“

Okay, so not the whole band (although when it comes to Leppard, “whole band” is a relative term), just their guitarist. But still, check it out if you’re a fan.

Bret Michaels hates attention

Bret Michaels has a million love shows and whores himself out in many, many ways. But that still doesn’t sell records or tickets. It’s not fair, but it’s okay, he keeps trying and trying to win us over, cause he’s a winner.

He graces the cover of October’s issue of Billboard magazine, but we’re not sure if it’s a piece on him or on Photoshop in general because there’s so much airbrushing in there to make any Photoshop tutorial site jealous.

Expect more talk about his health issues, minus his premature male pattern baldness.

We believe obesity is a cause for concern, so we’re doing our part. Make the jump and see the cover in all its glory