Author Archives: Jack

More Lulu up your ass

Did you feel like I felt upon hearing ‘The View’ from Metallica & Lou Reed love-child album? Did you feel the cringe-worthy sadness when you realized that this piece of crap was the single of the new Metallica album? And did you laugh at the countless “I am the table” memes that have smothered the internet ever since its release?

Well, if you hated that, then you will most likely hate the rest of this post. Lou Reed himself has posted a few of the lyrics, that we will be laughing at treated to on the new album. Be warned, though: These lyrics are awful, simply awful. When I heard ‘The View,’ I honestly tried to look at its good points (considering it is a Metallica release, after all), but I simply could not defend that crap!

Anyway, if you want to read some of the new lyrics for the song “Pumping Blood”, including such classic lines as “Waggle my ass like a dark prostitute,” “Oh, ah, ah, ah Jack I beseech you,” and “Like a colored mans dick,” make if the jump. If not, continue watching that porn in the second tab. I got you.

Velvet Revolver – The search continues

Velvet Revolver are one step closer to finding a new singer (just 20949,09494 steps to go!). The band responsible for terrible GnR rip-off songs have been searching for a singer to join their band for three years.

Apparently, Slash and Duff have been auditioning possible vocalists since Scott Weiland left in 2008. However, a few weeks ago, the band performed a number of songs together in New York — including their only good song ‘Slither,’ with Jimmy Gnecco, vocalist for the band Ours. Who the hell are Ours? Maybe it was meant to be used in the context of “Our(s) singer is leaving to join Guns N’ Poses. If we let him leave, then we might get popular!”

Speaking to Noisecreep, Duff stated:

“None of us have really tried [to find anyone] in the last few years. We’ve all been busy with other things. I think once that whole thing went down with Scott, we thought we’d find a guy right away. Once a few months went by, it was like, ‘Oh fuck.’“

I hope they do get a new singer. Maybe then Kerrang won’t write stories about them anymore! The only reason I read Kerrang, by the way, is because the 12 year old emo girl I abducted reads it, too. See, I’m not deranged.