Author Archives: Mark

How to look like Filth

Today was just one of those days, I didn’t want to wake up, and everything was just, well, fuck to be honest. So what did I do? I didn’t “break stuff” like I’m Fred Durst and the year is 1999, but I wanted to show the world that I was hardcore, that I was Metal, and that I am not to be messed with.

What was the best way to achieve this? Well I used the handy tutorial above and dressed like Dani Filth from Cradle of Filth. Then everyone knew that I was serious business, and that I don’t compromise.

I looked, like, totally awesome. Ok, so my boss fired me, my girlfriend dumped me and the school kids at the train station laughed and threw rocks at me, but who cares? I’m fuckin’ Metal.

Metal goes acoustic 2

Some of you regular readers may remember a week or so back I wrote a post called Metal goes acoustic. You should also remember that it was fucking awesome.

Now, because everything good comes in twos (my testicles, Katy Perry’s boobs, and so on), I’m back with part two. What does part two involve? Well, once again it’s a Youtube user called broadcast2k9 and it’s another Machine Head song that has been covered acoustically. This time, the song is A Farewell to Arms taken from The Blackening album. The song is over 10 minutes long, so I hope you can take a 10 minute break from Facebook or Porn or whatever you’re doing to check out this great cover. You won’t regret it.

Passion for Ashba fashion

Do you have that passion for fashion? Do you wish you could look as cool as legendary Guns N’ Roses guitarist DJ Ashba? Well good news, because now you can.

DJ Ashba (who is actually a guitarist, not a DJ. Yup, more confusing than my sexuality.) has teamed up with “clothing guru” Cody Varona, CEO of Forgotten Saints (yeah, me neither), to “bring you one-of-a-kind custom-made clothing inspired by Ashba.”

So if you want to look like the deformed offspring of Pete Burns if he were to impregnate one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings, then I guess today is your lucky day.

A match made in Hell

Blabbermouth recently reported that two of my favorite artists met backstage, and by which, I actually mean two of my least favorite “artists.” Alice Cooper and Lady Gaga both met backstage at one of Gaga’s recent gigs. It is at yet unknown whether Alice Cooper just went for make-up tips, or if some sort of musical collaboration is in the works. My guess is the former. At any rate, a picture of the two can be found after the jump in case self-mutilation is your thing.

In other news, my penis is big and hairy. Much like Lady Gaga Alice Cooper‘s hair.

Metal jokes

No, this post isn’t about Korn (it could be, but they’re not Metal are they?), but about Metal inspired jokes. Everyone loves jokes right? Laughing is good, apart from when it’s about the size of my penis, so on with ’em.

If you have some jokes of your own, feel free to post them in the comments section. BTW, most of these jokes aren’t written by myself, because like Trivium, I can’t write my own material and just like to “borrow” other people’s shit. Anyways…

Why did Euronymous cross the road? He didn’t, Varg stabbed him in the head.

Funniest Metal joke? St Anger.

How do you know when its time to kick your drummer out? When he brings a song he wrote to practice.

How do you get a technical Death Metal player to slow down? Put sheet music in front of him.

Brad Delson (Linkin Park) and Brian Carroll had a guitar shredding show-off. The guy who lost would be punished by wearing a KFC bucket on his head for the rest of his life (Brad Delson facts)

Credit to some of these jokes go to the users over at the Ultimate Guitar forum. Now it’s time for you to share yours, so get to it.