Category Archives: Crap

Hangover Cure

So it’s officially now a Saturday morning, and many of you are going to be hungover right now. It’s the weekend, you’re off work, and you’ve gone and ruined it by giving yourself an almighty hangover. Congratulations stupid. Not to worry though, because a fantastic hangover cure can be found below. Similarly, it will also work wonders for the fat chick laying in your bed that won’t leave. You’re welcome.

Napalm Death – Scum

Morning cover

First of all, it’s not morning, it’s almost noon, where I am. Which probably doesn’t interest you, but I’m tired, had next to no sleep, can barely keep my eyes open and I have a tough day ahead of me. Which probably interests you even less. Is this post a bit egocentric? Well, I’m at the fourth sentence and I’ll I’ve kept talking about so far is myself.

On topic, we cover metal covers from time to time. Why? Because it covers the lack of news we’d usually be posting about. Here’s a drinking game idea: read this post and drink each time you read “I,” “myself” and “cover.” Michael Jackson metal covers probably need a subcategory of their own. And that’s what we have here, British band Xerath posted a cover of Michael Jackson’s “Speed Demon” online. Who are Xerath? Beats me. What did I think of this cover? Not much, really. Why am I posting it then? Because I write for this site, and you don’t. Drunk yet?

How to look like Filth

Today was just one of those days, I didn’t want to wake up, and everything was just, well, fuck to be honest. So what did I do? I didn’t “break stuff” like I’m Fred Durst and the year is 1999, but I wanted to show the world that I was hardcore, that I was Metal, and that I am not to be messed with.

What was the best way to achieve this? Well I used the handy tutorial above and dressed like Dani Filth from Cradle of Filth. Then everyone knew that I was serious business, and that I don’t compromise.

I looked, like, totally awesome. Ok, so my boss fired me, my girlfriend dumped me and the school kids at the train station laughed and threw rocks at me, but who cares? I’m fuckin’ Metal.

Trapped under mosh

The band I’ll be talking about in this post is called Trapped Under Ice, hence the witty title. I think I’m a good candidate for the next metal’s biggest joke awards. The bad thing, I just heard Corey Taylor is most likely going to win that one.

Awful puns aside, what is going on in the clip above? I honestly had no idea when I watched it, but I read the text which explains it. The only reason I’m posting this is because I found the singer’s mid air girl power kick at the beginning of the video funny.

And speaking of Corey Taylor, make the jump to see an exclusive preview of his next project.

Metal jokes

No, this post isn’t about Korn (it could be, but they’re not Metal are they?), but about Metal inspired jokes. Everyone loves jokes right? Laughing is good, apart from when it’s about the size of my penis, so on with ’em.

If you have some jokes of your own, feel free to post them in the comments section. BTW, most of these jokes aren’t written by myself, because like Trivium, I can’t write my own material and just like to “borrow” other people’s shit. Anyways…

Why did Euronymous cross the road? He didn’t, Varg stabbed him in the head.

Funniest Metal joke? St Anger.

How do you know when its time to kick your drummer out? When he brings a song he wrote to practice.

How do you get a technical Death Metal player to slow down? Put sheet music in front of him.

Brad Delson (Linkin Park) and Brian Carroll had a guitar shredding show-off. The guy who lost would be punished by wearing a KFC bucket on his head for the rest of his life (Brad Delson facts)

Credit to some of these jokes go to the users over at the Ultimate Guitar forum. Now it’s time for you to share yours, so get to it.