Category Archives: Rants

Our shitty rants

6
Oct

Eddie gives good head

The other day, sitting at work and bored out of my brain, I decided to surf Amazon.co.uk for metal goodies. Imagine my surprise when I found a second hand Iron Maiden ‘Eddie Head’ from ’98 on sale for £1999.99!

I admit it’s a nice piece of metal kitsch, but 2 grand? C’mon! If memory serves, all the discs in the head are CD-E’s, that is each disc has video content etc pertinent to the CD or tour from when the CD was originally released, and it’s only in the head that these specific discs were made available.

When I got home I went to show my girlfriend that not all my crap taking up our space is rubbish as she claims, but when I landed on the URL… It had been sold! Astonishing. So if anyone out there wants to buy my Eddie Head in mint condition, you can have it for a measly grand, you can’t argue with half price.


6
Oct

Teaser released for new Biohazard album… Evan’s penis not featured

Among the many disappointments of becoming an adult is coming to the realization that most of the heroes of your youth, especially the musicians, are actually ridiculous clowns in real life. Case in point: Evan Seinfeld.

I love Biohazard. OK, perhaps I should say that in the past tense since I only liked their first three albums, but they played such an important role in my musical adolescence that I am most definitely ‘Down For fuckin’ Life.’

After Biohazard’s success fizzled out in the 90’s, Evan landed a gig on the HBO prison drama series “OZ.” It was a great show, and Evan was passable in his small role; he even received a bit of notoriety for a few scenes that featured full-frontal nudity. Unfortunately, instead of trying to build a respectable acting career playing “Tattooed Thug #2,” Evan misinterpreted the attention he got for his penis as an invitation to show, and insert, said penis as often, and into, as many places as possible. For Evan, a career in porn was the obvious next step.

Clown Status = Achieved.

Evan’s penile pursuits couldn’t keep him away from his music, however, and the result is the forthcoming Biohazard album Reborn in Defiance. Sadly, despite Evan’s concerns that this new album is “almost too good”, he has since parted ways with the band. I imagine the break up was largely due to arguments about how prominent a role Evan’s penis would play on the album cover art and how many chicks he will bang in the accompanying music videos. The fact that this teaser contains NOT ONE SINGLE SHOT of his penis was probably the last straw for Evan and he had to get out while he still had his pride intact. I do wish him well in his future penis-related endeavors.

Reborn in Defiance comes out in January 2012 on Nuclear Blast Records and a North American label yet to be announced.


6
Oct

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

As you have undoubtedly heard, Steve Jobs passed away. I know this is a metal site, but we probably wouldn’t be here writing on it and you wouldn’t be here reading if it wasn’t for this man.

I was hesitant in posting about it at first, but I really think we should take a moment and offer our condolences to a true modern day genius who changed the world.

Whether you like Apple products, or you’re one of those assholes with an Android phone, who can’t afford an iPhone, so he shits on iPhones all the time just to let out his frustrations, you have to admit this man was brilliant.

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs.


5
Oct

Random Dose of Metal: Somne

Who are Somne? According to their Facebook, they are an atmospheric black metal band hailing from Manchester, UK. The band consist of just two members, ‘T’ who handles all the instrumental and writing side of the band, and ‘A’ who does all the vocals and lyrics.

Talk about little information, huh? You can listen to the song ‘Beyond’ above and make your own mind up though. The production is a bit shit, which may be either because they are black metal, or might be just because the song is only in its demo stage, I have no idea. Regardless, I’m a pretty depressing fellow, so I found I enjoyed the song, and you may do too.

Youtube
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5
Oct

Kidtallica

While Metallica are off doing their lame Lulu project, a bunch of kids are ‘metalling’ it up, performing a morbid cover of ‘Tallica‘s ‘Enter Sandman’.

The playing is a little sloppy, and the kid’s idea of singing is something along the lines of “eeeexxxeeet deeeeerp, deeeeeerpy niiiiiyyyt”, but they’re still infinitely more metal than Metallica. Plus the little girl in the skirt (no, not Kirk) plays the solo, which is more than Korn or any of those Nu Metal bands do when they cover Tallica. It’s official, kids > Nu Metal.

Source: Metal Hammer


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