Category Archives: Rants

Learn to make Loomis noise

Here’s the problem I have with Jeff Loomis of Nevermore and a lot of other guitarists like him. He’s obviously a gifted player and he can sound great. However, a lot of times he chooses to do those squeaky sounding sweeps which make you cringe and make the guitar sound like an out of tune, high-pitched piano played by an ADHD suffering retard with Down Syndrome who got kicked in the balls by a professional NFL player.

And this excerpt from his DVD is a prime example of that. Check out the intro (after the jump) and tell me if your ears aren’t bleeding. I can’t kick Loomis’ ass for making these awful sounds, cause he’s kinda famous, but you can pick up the DVD and learn to do them yourself, and rest assured, your ass I can kick… Bitch.

When asked if the bass knob on his amp was broken, Jeff Loomis had no comment.

Metal posers

Posers. They’re everywhere. However, nothing gets my blood boiling more than “metal posers,” and by that I mean, of course, people who pretend they listen to metal just to seem cool.

And for the record, I used a Guitar Hero picture just because it’s the perfect embodiment of posing – geeks thinking they can actually play instruments. I have nothing against the game per se, I think it’s a fun game for regular people and musicians alike, but some of those people who do ok in the game think they can actually play guitar, and that pisses me off.

So my rant is about posers, read after the jump, it’s not gonna be too short.

What are clinics?

Musical clinics, how do they work? I’ve just read an article about Megadeth drummer Shawn Drover doing drum clinics in November (read the article here) and I realized that I don’t even know what the hell a drum clinic is.

A quick Google search gave me exactly 3 results but maybe I’m just too stupid to properly use Google. Google ain’t rocket science though so “What is a drum clinic” should work, shouldn’t it? Oh well. One of these results was pretty helpful though. Some guy on a forum had the following explanation:

“Firstly if you’ve heard of Drumfest or Drummer live then a clinic is a condensed single drummer version of that. Usually around a couple of hours long, its an opportunity to see high profile or just great players and tap into their experience. Content varies but includes solos, play alongs, occasionally a live band, questions and answers, interaction etc etc. ”

Source: Cambs Drumming

Sounds, well, boring. Who wants to see a drummer solo for a couple of hours? If you want to see this particular drummer in action, why not go to the band’s concerts? Maybe I just don’t get it because I’m not a musician myself though.

So apparently guitar clinics are pretty much the same as drum clinics but guitars are more interesting than drums. So drummers are fucked. Sorry Shawn.

Girls will be girls

All-girl tribute bands. We all love them, don’t we? AC/DShe, Judas Priestess, The Iron Maidens etc. Why do we love them though? Because it’s chicks playing metal. That’s the very definition of hot.

It got me thinking though. All these all-girl tribute bands are playing Heavy Metal or Hard Rock. That’s pretty sweet already but wouldn’t it be awesome if there was an all-girl Death Metal tribute band? The girls already have all the advantages on their side to make it in Death Metal. They bleed. So once a month, they’d have the goriest performance you’ve ever seen.

Or what about an all-girl Bloodbath tribute band? Or covering Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Roots Bloody Roots or Blood for the Bloodgod?

See? This already looks like a career and that’s more than half of the bands, that are already being covered, could claim nowadays. So girls, if you’re reading this site (and I highly doubt that), start an all-girl Death Metal tribute band. We’ll be the first one to interview you.

Girls can rock too

Call me a sexist pig, but I don’t take the WNBA seriously. There’s something about women trying to do what men do that doesn’t sit well with me. We don’t really have the MNDWA, do we? (Men’s National Dish Washing Association) — So why do they have to try and take what’s ours? Unfair.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s got nothing to do with ability, I know for a fact that women are good with balls, it’s just that we play sports and bring in the money, they feed us and clean after us. It’s a well oiled machine that needn’t be fucked with.

What does this have to do with metal? Well, not that much, it’s more of a rant I just thought I’d write, but check out these delusional young women trying to cover two of metal’s biggest legends.

AC/DSHE is the original all-girl AC/DC tribute band doing Bon Scott-era songs. These gals are committed to staying true to the heart pounding rhythms and high-energy presentation of early AC/DC.

Judas Priestess is band of hard-rocking chicks hell-bent on hitting stages across the USA and tearing up the classic headbangers of the undisputed masters of metal, Judas Priest.

Aww, isn’t that cute?? Videos of them performing live, after the jump. You just want to eat them up… And then vomit them right out.